Afscheid nemen van dromen: dag kinderwens!

Een blog over de impact van het hebben van smetvrees op je leven, verlies van toekomstdromen en idealen en de pijn die je daar bij voelt. Ik wil stilstaan bij de leuke dingen, die voor iedereen om mij heen zo vanzelfsprekend lijken te zijn, maar die ik één voor één op heb moeten geven. Sport, studie, werk … en nu de grootste/belangrijkste/laatste/meest recente: kinderen en een gezin vormen. Ondanks deze verliezen, wil ik ook een beetje positiviteit benadrukken. Deze toekomstdromen kan ik niet meer nastreven, maar wat ik nog wel kan en wil benoem ik aan het eind van dit blog.

Nooit gedacht dat het grootste gevecht dat ik op dit moment strijd volledig een andere kant op zou gaan. Eerst waren het alleen dwanggedachten en -handelingen die mijn hoofd en tijd volledig in beslag namen. En ja, de dwanggedachten en -handelingen zijn nog steeds een constante factor in mijn leventje. Maar na jaren heb ik ze wel onder controle, heb ik voldoende handvatten gevonden en aangeleerd en kan ik mijn smetvrees tijdelijk “parkeren”, waardoor ik steeds meer leuke dingen kan ondernemen, vrijwilligerswerk in het ziekenhuis kan doen en zelfs kan sporten! Om soms daarna even trots aan mijn bezwete shirt te ruiken (ja, ik weet het, dit klinkt nog vies ook J). HAHA. Om daarna wel een halfuur te gaan douchen … dat dan weer wel! Maar hé je kan niet alles hebben. En soms kost het ontzettend veel energie! Al zijn er tegenwoordig ook momenten dat het meer energie oplevert dan dat het kost! Met volle kracht vooruit!

Het moeilijkste op dit moment is afscheid nemen. Afscheid van al mijn idealen en dromen die ik vroeger had. En heel eerlijk, van heel veel dromen heb ik al afscheid moeten nemen. Uiteindelijk heeft mijn ziekte ontzettend veel afgepakt; ik heb mijn school niet kunnen afmaken en daar heb ik het vooral de eerste jaren heel erg moeilijk mee gehad. Iedere keer als er iemand afstudeerde voelde ik mijzelf zo vreselijk klein en mislukt. Het voelde alsof ik gefaald had. Ik weet nog heel goed uit die tijd dat ik niet eens blij kon zijn voor mijn toenmalige vriend toen hij afstudeerde. Ik wist dat hij er keihard voor had gewerkt maar op dat moment kon ik dat niet uiten. Dat was niet omdat ik het hem niet gunde maar ik werd kéihard op mijn eigen falen gewezen, en dat deed zoveel pijn. En ik wist totaal niet hoe ik met die pijn om moest gaan. Nog steeds heb ik moeite dat ik geen afgeronde opleiding op mijn CV heb staan. Nu aangevuld met een groot gapend gat dat mij aanstaart nadat ik moest stoppen met werken omdat ik letterlijk ben ingestort. Op een gegeven moment werkte ik alleen nog maar … ik had geen sociaal leven meer. Mijn leven bestond uit dwanggedachten en -handelingen, werken, slapen. Verder was er nergens meer ruimte voor.

Ik was al meerdere keren uitgevallen tijdens mijn werkverleden, één keer zelfs voor een opname voor een halfjaar in Ermelo. Maar de heftigste was toch echt de laatste keer dat ik uitviel op mijn toenmalige werk. Ik had net een nieuwe toffe job met een studie erbij en had het super naar mijn zin. Al weet ik eigenlijk niet eens meer hoe ik het volhield?! Ik putte mijzelf volledig uit en leefde twee levens. Ik stond elke ochtend om half 5 op om half 8 opgehaald te kunnen worden. Ik had chronische blaasontsteking en darmproblemen. Uiteindelijk ben ik het niet eens zelf geweest die alarm sloeg maar 1 van mijn afdelingsbazen. Hij bracht uiteindelijk mijn ouders die in het buitenland op vakantie waren op de hoogte dat hij het niet vertrouwde. Nog steeds weet ik niet hoe deze man het heeft kunnen doorhebben, want in die tijd was ik al een meester geworden in het verbergen van mijn gevoelens, emoties en mijn smetvrees. Maar uiteindelijk is deze man mijn redding geweest, want ik weet heel zeker dat ik er anders niet meer was geweest. En sindsdien heb ik niet meer gewerkt, dat was nog een groot afscheid. Naast bijbaantjes heb ik drie heel gave banen gehad, waar ik veel heb geleerd, mijzelf omhoog heb gewerkt en het was ook mijn trots! Na mij studie je werk opgeven … echt niet! NOOIT! Maar het was niet te combineren met mijn stoornis. Wat valt er eigenlijk wel te combineren met mijn stoornis? Niet veel kan ik je vertellen. Ik moest afscheid nemen van mijn teamsport wat ik zo ontzettend graag deed nadat ik op een gegeven moment onder de douche vandaan gehaald moest worden door vriendinnen. Ik raakte vrienden en vriendinnen kwijt omdat ik niet meer mee kon stappen, niet meer mee kon naar de kroeg , een dagje pretpark of op kampeervakantie met mijn beste vriendinnen. Ik kon zelfs niet meer mee naar vrijgezellenfeesten. Eigenlijk heb ik afscheid moeten nemen van mijn twintiger jaren … ik heb ze grotendeels gemist. Mijn wereld was ontzettend klein. En die jaren krijg ik nooit meer terug, hoe graag ik dat soms ook zou willen.

En dan ben je ineens 36 en heb je handvatten gekregen, alle vormen van therapie wel gehad, alle zelfhulpboeken wel gelezen, maar het verlies wordt er niet minder om. Misschien ook wel omdat er een stapeling van verliezen plaatsvindt, je meer terugkijkt op deze leeftijd of gewoon om het simpele gegeven dat als het ene verlies een klein beetje een plekje krijgt er weer een ander afscheid bijkomt.

Als jij mij vroeger vroeg wat ik wilde worden, dan antwoordde ik altijd ‘moeder’! (Oké, twee jaar lang heb ik keihard geroepen dat ik het leger in wilde maar laten we dat nu maar even buiten beschouwing laten). En terwijl ik dit zinnetje opschrijf krijg ik tranen in mijn ogen en gaat er ineens een stemmetje door mijn hoofd. Waar is het allemaal zo mis gegaan? Ik was in mijn vriendinnengroep de eerste met een duidelijke en grote kinderwens, en waar de meesten nog met heel andere dingen bezig waren wist ik al hoe ik mijn toekomstige kids zou gaan noemen. Toch een leuk feitje dat ik toen eigenlijk al een trendsetter was met namen als Lotte, Fem en Saar J. Ik kan de namen nu wel verklappen want realistisch gezien weet ik dat ik van mijn allerlaatste en grootste droom ook afscheid zal moeten nemen. En dat is het meest pijnlijke afscheid dat er maar kan zijn. Niet omdat ik het niet zou kunnen … want inmiddels weet ik dat ik het prima met een partner zou aankunnen. Maar er is toch echt een partner voor nodig en die vind je niet zo heel snel met een psychische stoornis. Het is niet zo dat ik geen fijne en goede relaties heb gehad en ik heb relaties gehad waar mijn smetvrees absoluut niet de oorzaak is geweest waarom het is uit gegaan. Soms lopen dingen zo, soms heb je ook gewoon echt pech (pech, relaties en de naam Karin zijn aan elkaar verbonden), en er zijn ook mannen geweest die het wel moeilijk vonden. (maar ook schoonouders, of broers/zussen en vrienden van een partner) Maar het lastigst was eigenlijk meer het stukje dat ik niet fulltime werkte of later niet meer werkte. Ik weet dat partners mij wel eens moesten verdedigen waarom ik niet werkte. Soms lijkt het taboe op niet werken nog groter dan een stoornis hebben. Want als je niet werkt lijkt het tegenwoordig alsof je niet meetelt in deze maatschappij.

Al deze stukjes afscheid van dromen en idealen hebben ervoor gezorgd dat ik nu keihard tegen een depressie vecht. En dat gevecht is nieuw, daar heb ik niet de juiste handvatten voor en verlamd mij soms volledig. Nu las ik van de week een blog dat een depressie helemaal  hip is dus dat zegt ook wel weer wat … ik ben dus hip. (1) Nu hopen dat smetvrees ook nog eens gaaf of kek wordt! 2017 het jaar van de depressie, 2018 het jaar van de dwangstoornis!

Maar wat zou ik graag de tijd tegenhouden. Ik wil even niet ouder worden. Ik wil het zwaard van Damocles niet boven mijn hoofd voelen hangen. Ik wil niet dat deze beslissing voor mij genomen wordt door een gebrek aan een partner, door mijn stoornis of mijn leeftijd. Ik wil de controle houden over deze laatste droom! Ook al weet ik heel goed de risico’s, maar aan elke zwangerschap zijn risico’s verbonden.

Onderzoek toont aan dat bij vrouwen die zwanger zijn of onlangs bevallen zijn de OCD kan verergeren. Dit wordt Perinatale OCD genoemd. (2) Ook heb ik een grotere risico op een postpartum depressie door mijn angst, dwang en depressieve klachten. (3) En hoe hip een depressie ook is … om er nou eentje uit te lokken? De laatste tijd maakt het mij heel verdrietig dat ik ook dit stadium in het leven niet ga meemaken en dat is een geheel nieuwe pijn die mij de laatste weken heel somber maakt. Als ik in het ziekenhuis op de kraamafdeling loop wordt mijn keel letterlijk dichtgeknepen en vecht ik tegen de tranen. Want waarom ben ik op deze wereld gezet? Waarom vecht ik nog? Wat is mijn doel in dit leven als ik alleen maar mag toekijken hoe anderen werken, relaties aangaan, trouwen en kinderen krijgen? Waarom heb ik de eigenschappen als sociaal, zorgzaam, liefdevol en empathisch? Waarom heb ik een groot inlevingsgevoel als ik er maar zo weinig mee kan? Waarom is er uitgerekend op dit moment een enorme babyboom in mijn vriendengroep? En ja echt … wat ben ik blij voor ze, maar ‘s avonds in bed huil ik. Voel ik de leegte, de pijn en de angst. En ik bid en smeek dat er een wonder op mijn pad mag komen. En ik houd ik mijn droom nog even heel stevig vast. Mijn jarenlange gevecht is toch niet voor niets geweest? Tot die tijd probeer ik elke dag een beter mens te worden. Van elke dag te leren, nog meer van mijzelf te geven, en de mooie kleine gelukjes te zien die wel op mijn pad komen, mijn kwaliteiten in te zetten in mijn hechte vriendschappen en om andere mensen te helpen ook tijdens mijn werk in het ziekenhuis. Ook al moet ik elke dag vechten tegen het stemmetje dat zegt dat ik zelfs dáár in faal en dat ik er niet goed genoeg voor ben.

Bronvermelding:

  • Wijzijnmind.nl (2017). Een depressie is helemaal in en hip. Via: https://wijzijnmind.nl/ervaringsverhaal/een-depressie-is-helemaal-in-en-hip/1022
  • Dwang.eu (2017). Wat is een postnatale en perinatale OCD? Via: https://www.dwang.eu/deskundigenartikelen/postpartum-en-perinatale-ocd/
  • Landelijk kenniscentrum Psychiatrie en zwangerschap (2018)  Via: http://www.lkpz.nl/

2.504 gedachten over “Afscheid nemen van dromen: dag kinderwens!

  1. Mooi geschreven Kaar. Ik vind dit zo heftig voor je. Hoeveel je er voor op hebt moeten geven. En je houd je zo goed in het alles… Je bent een geweldig leuk persoon! Het is je zo gegund…..

  2. Wat goed onder woorden gebracht. Wat confronterend als je dit leest. We weten na al die jaren hoe moeilijk het voor je is , maar als je dit zo leest, komt het hard binnen.
    We zijn trots op je.

  3. Zo herkenbaar! Ik voel wat je voelt, dat kan ik in alle eerlijkheid zeggen. Ook ik heb heel veel afscheid moeten nemen, maar toch…je weet nooit hoe het leven loopt en wat je nog te wachten staat aan mooie dingen. Ook dat kan ik uit eigen ervaring zeggen! Je bent een geweldig en mooi mens, er staan je zeker goede dingen te wachten! Anders misschien dan je gedroomd had, maar zeker niet minder waardevol!

  4. Ben er stil van.
    Wat een pijn en verdriet, wanhoop, maar ook hoop en een heleboel kracht lees ik.

    Ontzettend veel respect, voor je vechtlust en je doorzettingsvermogen, je doet er toe! Simpelweg omdat je een mooi mens bent! Je betekent wat, simpelweg omdat je goed bent zoals je bent!

    Ik zou willen dat ik een stukje pijn bij je weg kon nemen. Ik krijg tranen in mijn ogen van jou verhaal. Alle sterkte en liefde gewenst. Pas goed op jezelf.

  5. Lieve Kaar,
    Met bewondering heb ik gekeken naar de uitzending van Omroep Max, waar jij te gast was. Met respect heb ik je blogs gelezen. Een gedeelte van je strijd hebben we daarvan meegemaakt. Je verwoordt het, ondanks de emoties, zo goed.
    Ik bewonder je strijdvaardigheid en de kracht die je laat zien. Ik hoop dat andere mensen hier ook hun voordeel mee kunnen doen.
    Alle goeds wens ik je toe.

  6. Hoi karin,

    Wat mooi geschreven, alsof ik mijn eigen verhaal lees. Ik wil heel veel opschrijven maar eigenlijk sta ik met mijn mond vol tanden. Alsof ik een spiegel voorgehouden heb gekregen.

  7. Ook voor mij is dit in zekere zin een spiegel en hoewel ik de ernst van de (je) zaak begrijp en daarbij het perspectief van ‘derden’ kan benaderen komt het op mij persoonlijk niet eens zo heftig over, niet omdat het niet heftig zou zijn maar omdat het in ‘mijn wereld’ normaal is/was om depressief, burned-out en al wat dies meer zij te zijn.

    Er is altijd hoop, nu en straks, zo heeft het uiteindelijk voor mij gewerkt en zo zal het vast ook nog voor jou gaan werken. En 36 is ook nog niet zo oud vandaag de dag, bij lange na niet. Qua levensverwachting en levenskwaliteit is 40 tegenwoordig al met het 30 van enkele decennia geleden te vergelijken, je hebt nog wel even de tijd.

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