Hoe het begon deel 1

Smetvrees was er niet van de een op de andere dag in mijn leven. Het is er als het ware ingeslopen, het was steeds een beetje meer aanwezig. En op een gegeven moment beheerste het mijn leven zo erg, dat ik er dingen voor moest opgeven. In dit blog beschrijf ik hoe mijn omgeving de kenmerken van smetvrees begonnen op te merken, en hoe ik daar op reageerde.

Zelf zeg ik eigenlijk altijd dat mijn smetvrees net voor mijn 18e getriggerd werd. Vanaf dat moment kan ik echt voorbeelden noemen waarin mijn beginnende dwanggedachten en -handelingen een belemmerende rol in mijn leven begonnen te spelen. Maar waren er al eerder symptomen? JA … na heel veel gesprekken met vriendinnen waren er al voor mijn 18e kleine dingen die opvielen. Ik stond wel erg lang na het korfballen onder de douche en, al ging dat meestal samen met veel gekletst en een biertje (ja dat kan al douchend, bekend korfbalritueel), gebruikte ik wel erg veel zeep. Zoals een goede vriendin ooit zei : “Jij slaat echt geen enkel stukje van je lichaam over hè?!”. Op school – ik deed de havo – ging ik bijna nooit naar het toilet en als het echt niet anders kon was het een soort spoorzoeken naar het meest schone toilet in het gebouw. Nou, dan was de pauze ook gelijk om J Ik weigerde op school te gymmen omdat je daarna niet kon douchen, nog steeds weet ik niet hoe ik het voor elkaar heb gekregen dat ik sinds de vierde klas nooit meer naar een gymles ben gegaan. Ook kreeg ik moeite met het fietsen naar school, dat was ongeveer 7 km, omdat ik bang werd dat ik ging zweten en ik begon regen vies te vinden. Nou, dan woon je toch echt in het verkeerde land. Grappig detail is dat ik vanaf dat moment meestal met de trein en de metro naar school ging terwijl dat juist later grote ‘vijanden’ werden! In dit kleine stukje tekst zie je al heel duidelijk vermijdingsgedrag.

Maar belemmerde het me in mijn doen en laten? Nee, ik deed nog alles … ik heb de havo afgerond met perfecte cijfers, ik sportte drie keer in de week, ik speelde zaterdags minstens 1 wedstrijd, ik ging elke vrijdagavond naar de kroeg en ik had veel vrienden en vriendinnen. Maar alles moest perfect … en dat vreselijke perfectionisme, altijd alles goed willen doen, geen fouten willen en mogen maken, goede cijfers halen (op zijn minst een 8) , goed presteren met sporten én een goede vriendin zijn … mijn eisen naar mijzelf toe lagen hoog. Ik was ook enorm onzeker … onzeker over mijn uiterlijk, onzeker of mensen mij wel aardig vonden, of ik niets verkeerd had gezegd of gedaan. Ik had angst dat mensen boos op me waren. En een extreme angst om gepest te worden. Terwijl ik eigenlijk nooit echt gepest ben.

Het rare was dat ik die angsten vooral thuis had. Thuis piekerde ik me suf en had ik last van huilbuien, terwijl ik er op school of tijdens het sporten veel minder last van had. Ik kwam nou ook niet bepaald onzeker of introvert over in die tijd: eigenlijk juist het tegenovergestelde. Maar toen al had ik een heel laag zelfbeeld en hing mijn eigenwaarde af van de prestaties die ik behaalde en wat anderen van mij vonden. Eigenschappen waar ik tot nu toe nog steeds elke dag tegen aan loop. Al deze karaktereigenschappen (onzeker , perfectionistisch, bang op te falen, altijd het  goede willen doen en niemand willen teleurstellen) vormden natuurlijk een ontzettend goede voedingsbodem om een dwangstoornis te ontwikkelen. (Maar het woordje dwangstoornis kun je hier door veel andere psychische aandoeningen vervangen).

De enorme trigger is uiteindelijk toch de overgang naar de Pabo geweest. Van mijn veilige en vertrouwde leventje op de havo, dat ik op mijn sokken deed, ging ik naar een school die onbekend was met onbekende mensen. Er heerste veel onduidelijkheid. Had ik al verteld dat ik ook niet goed tegen veranderingen kon? Nou, weg was de veiligheid … weg was de structuur. Deze hele nieuwe levensfase, het nieuwe avontuur dat studeren heet; ik was er nog niet klaar voor. Langzaam sloop de smetvrees erin. Ik wilde iets veiligs creëren, waar ik controle over had. Een schijnveiligheid weet ik nu. (In een andere blog ga ik uitgebreid in op schijnveiligheid) Want ik had er helemaal geen controle op, het werd alleen maar erger. Alleen zie je dat op dat moment niet, omdat het er echt insluipt.

Er lijkt bij dwang sprake van een allergie voor onzekerheid of wat niet in orde, niet perfect is. (onvolledig/ onaf) Met als gevolg een verslaving aan geruststelling of in orde maken. En mogelijk sterkere indringende gedachten, die je dus moeilijker door je heen kunt laten gaan. (1)

Ik ging op een gegeven moment niet eens meer naar een vreemd toilet. Hele schooldagen hield ik het op. Ik moet echt een enorme blaas hebben gehadJ Ik ging van 10 minuten douchen, naar 15 minuten, daarna werden het er 20. Tot het zover kwam dat mijn hele doucheritueel meer dan 35 minuten duurde! En een stapje verder: twee keer op een dag 35 minuten. Ik waste mijn lichaam met een washand vol chloor, liet onverdunde chloor zo langs mijn lichaam lopen. Ik ging zelfs antikalksprays gebruiken en schuursponsjes. Alles om maar schoon te worden. Al was ik nooit schoon genoeg aan het einde van een douchebeurt. Ik walgde van mijzelf. Mijn vader heeft wat scheldend voor de badkamerdeur gestaan omdat hij de waterrekening hard zag stijgen in die tijd. En ja, mijn ouders draaiden soms echt de warme kraan uit, maar dan bleef ik gewoon onder een steenkoude douche staan tot ik klaar was met mijn handelingen. Je snapt dat de situatie thuis er niet echt gezelliger op werd. Er heerste op een gegeven moment een soort koude oorlog, vooral tussen mij en mijn vader. Ik nam de regie in huis totaal over. Als ik de badkamer had schoongemaakt voor ik ging douchen mocht er niemand meer in. Mijn moeder mocht niet meer aan mijn was komen, ze mocht zelfs niet eens in de waskamer komen als ik met de was bezig was. Ik gooide liters chloor en schoonmaakmiddelen in het toilet voordat ik naar het toilet ging. Het hele huis zette ik vol luchtverfrissers omdat ik etensluchtjes vreselijk vond. Ook ging ik steeds meer zeep en deodorant gebruiken. Ik kreeg last van blaasontstekingen, een vreselijk schrale huid, en mijn handen sprongen tot bloedens toe open. Het lukte me niet meer om te sporten want ik kreeg mijzelf erna niet meer schoon, ook durfde ik niet meer te douchen in de openbare douchegelegenheden. Nadat ik door vriendinnen uit de douche ben getrokken omdat ik er niet meer onderuit kwam heb ik besloten te stoppen met sporten. Voor mijzelf maar ook voor de mensen om mij heen. Hoe moeilijk ik het ook vond, ik deed het bijna 20 jaar en ik hield ervan, maar het kostte zoveel energie. Daardoor ging ik ook  andere leuke dingen missen, het trainen en het gezellige borrelen na een wedstrijd. Ik ging ook steeds minder naar de kroeg omdat je dan naar rook ging ruiken (roken mocht toen non binnen), en ook omdat ik steeds minder fut had.

De dwang maakte me zo moe, ik werd er zo door in beslag genomen en het kostte enorm veel tijd. Vooral de dwanggedachten hadden invloed op mijn leren. Ik kon altijd vreselijk goed leren maar op een gegeven moment lukte het me niet meer om de stof op te nemen. En als ik wist dat ik geen goede voldoende voor een tentamen zou halen, ging ik niet. Hierdoor raakte ik achter met mijn studiepunten. Ook ging ik steeds minder vaak naar school omdat ik walgde van de trein en de metro, totdat ik uiteindelijk helemaal niet meer met het openbaar vervoer durfde.

Uiteindelijk ben ik echt letterlijk in de tentamenzaal ingestort, huilend. Ik was op. Na veel gesprekken met mijn mentor ben ik toch begonnen aan het tweede jaar omdat ze een goede juf in mij zagen en omdat de cijfers die ik had enorm goed waren. Ik gaf het een kans en begon in die tijd voor het eerst met gesprekken bij het Riagg. Ik was echter hard en star en wilde niet praten over emoties, ik wilde niet zwak zijn en huilen en ik wilde al helemaal niet in therapie!! Lang heb ik echt gedacht dat huilen een zwakte was. Tijdens het tweede jaar van de Pabo werd ik steeds ongelukkiger. Ik liep op school met een masker op. Ik was druk, dwars en een gangmaker. Ik wilde niet dat iemand zag wat ik daadwerkelijk voelde. Want nog steeds wist ik niet precies wat ik had. Het moment dat ik op de trein stond te wachten, en ik dacht: “ik spring ervoor”, dat was de omslag. Ik heb me omgedraaid en ben naar huis gelopen. Het rare is dat ik dit wel gelijk verteld heb tegen mijn moeder, en ik weet nu dat sinds die dag mijn ouders nooit meer rust hebben gehad. Altijd is er bij hen een bepaalde angst die nooit meer weggaat. Maar ook bij mijzelf is er op dat moment wat gebroken. Dat gevoel, die angst het laat je nooit meer los. Vanaf die dag ben ik gestopt met school. Wat uiteindelijk de smetvrees alleen maar erger maakte omdat ik in mijn ogen vreselijk gefaald had. En als er iets was wat ik niet wilde was falen!

Bronvermelding:

  • Dwang.eu. (2017). Veel gestelde vragen bij een dwangstoornis. Via: https://www.dwang.eu/wat-is-ocd/veelgestelde-vragen/

 

2.265 gedachten over “Hoe het begon deel 1

  1. Lieve Kaar,

    Pittig om te lezen en deels een herinnering, wij samen op de Havo en de Pabo…
    Geen rozengeur en maneschijn in die tijd en nog steeds niet, maar wat een veranderingen! Je ziet zelf kleine overwinningen, ik zie er heel veel!
    Ga door!

  2. dag Karin,
    Wow, goed dat je het vertelde aan je moeder!
    Ik hoop dat je relatie met je vader terug een beetje beter is.
    En inderdaad, ik denk ook dat je een goede juffrouw zou zijn!:-)

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  159. Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a 40 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!|

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